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Basic Toilet Humor

Restroom comedy has long been the comfort zone of your Daily, and we are always mindful to significant toilet tales and key events, particularly within football. What a delight it was to find out that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles owns a West Bromwich Albion-inspired toilet within his residence. Consider the situation for the Barnsley fan who took the rest room rather too directly, and needed rescuing from the vacant Barnsley ground post-napping in the lavatory during halftime of a 2015 loss versus the Cod Army. “He had no shoes on and couldn't find his phone and his hat,” elaborated an official from the local fire department. And who can forget at the pinnacle of his career with Manchester City, the Italian striker entered a community college to use the facilities back in 2012. “Balotelli parked his Bentley outside, then came in and was asking the location of the toilets, subsequently he entered the faculty room,” a pupil informed a Manchester newspaper. “Later he simply strolled round the campus like he owned the place.”

The Lavatory Departure

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century to the day that Kevin Keegan resigned from the England national team following a short conversation in a toilet cubicle alongside FA executive David Davies deep within Wembley Stadium, following that infamous 1-0 defeat by Germany in 2000 – the Three Lions' last game at the historic stadium. As Davies remembers in his diary, his private Football Association notes, he stepped into the wet troubled England locker room right after the game, discovering David Beckham crying and Tony Adams motivated, both of them pleading for the official to reason with Keegan. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan had trudged down the tunnel with a blank expression, and Davies found him slumped – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – in the corner of the dressing room, whispering: “I'm leaving. This isn't for me.” Collaring Keegan, Davies attempted urgently to salvage the situation.

“What place could we identify for confidential discussion?” recalled Davies. “The tunnel? Full of TV journalists. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The shower area? I was unable to have a crucial talk with the national coach while athletes jumped in the pool. Just a single choice remained. The lavatory booths. A significant event in English football's extensive history happened in the old toilets of a stadium facing demolition. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Dragging Kevin into a cubicle, I shut the door behind us. We stayed there, eye to eye. ‘You can’t change my mind,’ Kevin said. ‘I'm gone. I'm not suitable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I'm unable to energize the team. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Consequences

And so, Keegan resigned, later admitting that he had found his stint as England manager “without spirit”. The two-time Ballon d’Or winner added: “I struggled to occupy my time. I ended up coaching the blind squad, the hearing-impaired team, supporting the female team. It’s a very difficult job.” English football has come a long way in the quarter of a century since. Regardless of improvement or decline, those Wembley restrooms and those twin towers are long gone, while a German now sits in the technical area Keegan previously used. Thomas Tuchel’s side are among the favourites for the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football serves as a recall that situations weren't always this good.

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Daily Quotation

“There we stood in a long row, clad merely in our briefs. We were Europe’s best referees, premier athletes, inspirations, adults, parents, strong personalities with great integrity … but no one said anything. We scarcely made eye contact, our gazes flickered a bit nervously as we were summoned forward in pairs. There Collina inspected us completely with an ice-cold gaze. Quiet and watchful” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson reveals the humiliating procedures officials were once put through by former Uefa head of referees Pierluigi Collina.

Football Daily Letters

“What’s in a name? There exists a Dr Seuss poem titled ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, together with staff Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. Does this conclude the club's Steve fixation? Not completely! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie continue to oversee the primary team. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles

“Now that you've relaxed spending restrictions and distributed some merchandise, I've chosen to type and offer a concise remark. Postecoglou mentions he initiated altercations on the school grounds with children he knew would beat him up. This masochistic tendency must account for his decision to join Nottingham Forest. As an enduring Tottenham follower I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning by the Trent, if he lasts that long, is the second tier and that would be a significant battle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|